Friday, 16 October 2009

Things you only find out when you're not riding your bike

As I am stranded without wheels and instead wallowing in a sea of needles (acupuncture people, acupuncture tsk, tsk) I've had a series of epiphanies which have rocked me to my core (a rather soft core as proved by two sessions of pilates.)I have decided to share these epiphanies with you in a series called: 'things you only find out when you're not riding your bike.' Hold tight to your pants as there are enough revelations contained in these blog posts as it is.

#1: You have no social life
Riding your bike makes you a very popular person. In essence this is because there is only really room for one person on your bike. You. Not only are you a great person making spending time with yourself a joy, but if you are an arse, noone has to know unless you give them a backie. Or sandbag them on the climb at White's Level. Natch. It also means you are always busy: 'Fancy a massive night out with all your non-bike mates tonight?' 'Aw dudes, I'd love to but I'm riding tomorrow, bit of an epic so I need to get to bed early yar? Soz.' 'Oh my god I am like, so busy at work! So much to do inbetween watching it's a nightmare! I'm just going to have to work late and eat pasta and margarine as I've no time to shop. Wow! My life is wild! No time to shop! Yeehar!'
Remove the bike from the equation and you are hilariously buggered. You get home at a decent hour and don't need to spend the two hours before CSI cleaning your bike. So instead you scratch your ass and stare at the ceiling. Suddenly the town you live in doubles, nay, quadruples in size full of places you have never been. How do you get there? Buggered if I know, I can't ride my bike. You could take the Tube. Dear God man are you insane??! Time Out suddenly becomes the paper reality of the Israel/Palestine conflict - you know you should get to grips with it but it's been so long you have no idea what's going on anymore. It's too late! You've missed out! It is so obvious that you don't know what the hell is cool anymore.
Then all your bike mates start tweeting you about rides they are doing or parties they have been to and suddenly the whole vacuous nature of your existence sans bike begins sucking at your soul like some all-encompassing Black Hole of doom. At which point you find yourself talking to your bike as if it's a human being. Which obviously it is but you can't ADMIT that in public.

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